You'll soon BE READY FOR ANYTHING!
Away, in San Diego, BEYOND THE LIMITS of thought and
good taste, live 3 or 4 Magicians.
By casting WONDERFUL SPELLS they turn the, Most Ordinary
Earth into YEA OLDE SEWER WONDERLANDE, more or less.
If you LET YOURSELF GO, the Magicians WILL TAKE YOU AWAY
to this marvelous place.
Maybe you've been taken away to a marvelous place,
WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT,
ARE YOU READY to go?
SPLENDID! Go right ahead.
If you're not ready to go, the story begins on Page 7…
or 8… You'll soon BE READY FOR ANYTHING!
Page 7... or 8...
The Genemess of Yea Olde Sewer Wonderlande
1 In the beginning Man made the pollution and the sewers.
2 And the pollution was without form, and stunk; and darkness was
upon the land of Man. And the ignorance of Man moved upon the face of the
waters.
3 And Man said, gosh it stinks around here, let there be sewers:
And He built sewers.
4 And Man saw the sewers, that it stunk: And Man divided the sewers
from the surface.
5 And Man called the sewers Sanitation Facilities, and the surface
He called City, And the Sewer and the City were the First Mess...
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Preface
Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of this book,
all the time, the wasted efforts and the money that it took,
the four demented authors and the food they used to eat,
those fools kept writing on.
glory, glory all their sick and rotten jokes
glory, glory all their silly slurs and pokes
glory, glory all their 'tater chips and cokes
those fools kept writing on
At first they thought they'd write a simple funny short story,
but it turned into something that they could not foresee
a monster of a novel taking five Years to complete
those fools kept writing on
glory, glory all the libel suits and trials
glory, glory all the slanders and rock piles
glory, glory all the cakes and hidden files
those fools kept writing on.
The book starts soon... really!
Satire and generally insulting,
Revolting, poor taste,
Crude and unusual profanity,
And other good stuff, That's it.
Thomas Parke D'Invilliers
We're getting there, we're getting there, just hang on...
Prologue
Dear Reader,
Most of this book stinks. The only good parts are most of all
three Chapter 10's (most of which I had to reconstruct after Steve
lost the only original copy), Chapters 16, 51, 2, the first and second
Chapters 18 and 15, both Intermissions, Rintho's Castle Tour, the
Introduction, the epigraph and almost all the footnotes (except the
Naked Thing). It was my idea to murder the Rime of the Ancient Mariner
and I solely am responsible for the creation of the Plot as a character.
Not to mention my diligent shaping and refining throughout the entire
book. I am also the only author with enough guts to openly identify
which parts I wrote.
— Jeff Turnage
Dear Readers,
Most of what anybody else wrote stinks...
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Very soon, my precious...
The Introduction to the Introduction
(An Aid in Understanding the Introduction)
Hello, my name is Sean. I have been given the honors of writing the Introduction to the Introduction since I get killed later on. I didn't want to get killed, but I do. Nobody likes me, even you (go soak your head). Knowing you, you'll probably enjoy my fiendish murder. That's right! MURDER!! I sure didn't. But I'm gonna get even right here, even before I get butchered (may your farts linger on). Steve and Jeff thought I would be writing an intro to the intro, but I'm not going to. This is because I want you confused even before you start reading this book in which I get drawn and quartered. This is really a confusing book, by the way, even without this intro to the intro.
All it is about is a bunch of weird creatures running around in a huge cavern filled with cesspools and toilet bowls, making references to defecation in every other paragraph. And who wants to read crap filled with political humor, cheap puns, and last season's most popular TV shows?
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(Editor's note: It's even worse than that... not last season's shows, try 26 year old T.V. shows — now you're REALLY gonna be confused) Oh, and the book starts next... I mean it!
By Way of Introduction
Okay, I lied, but the first real chapter is coming very soon... sooner than you'd like... way too soon... Ed.
The following is a transcript of a tape recorded message discovered in a time capsule that was found in one of Dr. L.S.D. Leaky's archeological excavations dealing with his research into the geologically sudden disappearance of the ancient Central Central Government Complex of Yea Olde Sewer Wonderlande. The capsule bore this Latin inscription: Niard M, Rots Terces N, Wod and the recorded message, with narrative included on the original, is as follows,
"Click."
"What form of gods' trickery be this?" gasped Thain Hither.
"Surely harmless!" snorted Tither, Duke of Cawdor.
"Shit, it's only a tape recorder" sighed (yawn), "If you push this button…
" Click."
"Witchcraft manifest itself to mock my words!" objected Hither...
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